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Thursday, 10 June 2010
Friday, 4 June 2010
Oatmeal Extravagnza
Hi lovers!!
My morning fuel was I.N.C.R.E.D.I.B.L.E!!
If you know me, you know I LOVE oatmeal, bananas and peanut butter. I simply cannot get enough. (Lately yogurt messes have been the same :P) I didn’t think anything could get much better than these decadent mushy foods. But O.M.G. I was so wrong! I have a new love. Seriously, I died and went to taste bud heaven this morning.
Have you ever heard the girl scout song: make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold? That’s what I experienced. I definitely kept the old love of pb oats and nanas but I expanded and made gold!
Tada!!:
I kid you not, this was the best bowl of oats I have ever eaten! And that says a lot.
What did I do to create this extravaganza??
Well I will tell you
I put oats yogurt and banana in a bowl, sprinkled some cinnamon
mixed it all up
and topped it with deliciousness and voila, I had a masterpiece
On top I put… banana slices, 1 tsp chia seeds, 1 tsp coconut, 1/4 cup granola, goji berries and a spoonful of pb
I don’t really know where I am going with this post, it was just so good I had to share it with you :)
This bowl set the pace for a day of good, carefree eating :) I felt hunger and I fed hunger. After a few rough days, I really needed this. I have a love for good foods and I’m so happy that my mind didn’t get in the way of enjoying it yesterday. This week has been pretty rough, I have had a really tough time following my plan but I have taken the good with the bad. And there has been quite a bit of growth.
moving forward and thanking you all for being patient with me <3
My morning fuel was I.N.C.R.E.D.I.B.L.E!!
If you know me, you know I LOVE oatmeal, bananas and peanut butter. I simply cannot get enough. (Lately yogurt messes have been the same :P) I didn’t think anything could get much better than these decadent mushy foods. But O.M.G. I was so wrong! I have a new love. Seriously, I died and went to taste bud heaven this morning.
Have you ever heard the girl scout song: make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold? That’s what I experienced. I definitely kept the old love of pb oats and nanas but I expanded and made gold!
Tada!!:
I kid you not, this was the best bowl of oats I have ever eaten! And that says a lot.
What did I do to create this extravaganza??
Well I will tell you
I put oats yogurt and banana in a bowl, sprinkled some cinnamon
mixed it all up
and topped it with deliciousness and voila, I had a masterpiece
On top I put… banana slices, 1 tsp chia seeds, 1 tsp coconut, 1/4 cup granola, goji berries and a spoonful of pb
I don’t really know where I am going with this post, it was just so good I had to share it with you :)
This bowl set the pace for a day of good, carefree eating :) I felt hunger and I fed hunger. After a few rough days, I really needed this. I have a love for good foods and I’m so happy that my mind didn’t get in the way of enjoying it yesterday. This week has been pretty rough, I have had a really tough time following my plan but I have taken the good with the bad. And there has been quite a bit of growth.
moving forward and thanking you all for being patient with me <3
A society of denial
Hello summer!! o wait, not yet. THREE more days of school and it will be. I think the weather is just as anxious as I am, today feels just like summer. Personally 80 degrees feels like the perfect temperature. :)
Woke up to birds chirping and sun in my eyes, it was early, like 7 o’clock early as a result of my also early night last night. But I didn’t care, I wanted to get up and enjoy the sun. So I grabbed my morning cup of joe and my book and headed to the front porch. People were already out playing tennis across the street so I watched them, listened to the birds and watched the squirrels play while reading. As much as I was enjoying the warmth on my skin and the pleasantness that is Saturday, I still felt so apathetic. I have felt this way for some time and I’m tired of it. I wonder if all along I have been suppressing my desires that now i’ts hard to feel them fully. But as I watched the squirrels playing, blissful in the simple life they know I realized that I am not the only one.
As a society, we have become this way. We need to feel life again. Humans were made to feel, to play like the squirrels, to appreciate the stars and the sun, to cry over loss, to get angry at times.
“It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger for them.” - George Eliot
I know we all hunger for these things, but it’s as if we’re afraid of it and suppress it to try to be happy. And then we settle for the mundane of our everyday routines. “the people who walk in great darkness have adjusted their eyes.”(Eldredge) What become’s of this hunger? Does it remain underneath? Do we end up subconsciously searching to satisfy it in other areas? Does it just fade away? Has my want and desire left or will it show itself in my emotions again?
”The danger is that the soul should persuade itself that it is not hungry. It can only persuade itself of this by lying.” -Simone Well.
The hunger of the soul… we all have it, or had it at one point. The wanting for something. We are ment to feel it and to want to persue it. Are we all scared to admit that we want something more out of life? that we are not satisfied? Our souls are hungry, that’s a fact of humanity. When we deny this we are lying and worse, we are killing ourselves. Lies are deceptive, they take us away from God, from truth, from beauty, from being the greatest that we can be. They take us away from the drive that gives us life.
I am tired of apathy and refuse to live in denial/deprivation. My soul is hungry for more Suppression is no way to live, we have emotions, passions and desires. We are hungry. “we were made to live in a world of beauty, wonder, intimacy and adventure all of our day” (Eldredge) we were made to feel, its why God gave us a heart, to pump life through our vains.
Woke up to birds chirping and sun in my eyes, it was early, like 7 o’clock early as a result of my also early night last night. But I didn’t care, I wanted to get up and enjoy the sun. So I grabbed my morning cup of joe and my book and headed to the front porch. People were already out playing tennis across the street so I watched them, listened to the birds and watched the squirrels play while reading. As much as I was enjoying the warmth on my skin and the pleasantness that is Saturday, I still felt so apathetic. I have felt this way for some time and I’m tired of it. I wonder if all along I have been suppressing my desires that now i’ts hard to feel them fully. But as I watched the squirrels playing, blissful in the simple life they know I realized that I am not the only one.
As a society, we have become this way. We need to feel life again. Humans were made to feel, to play like the squirrels, to appreciate the stars and the sun, to cry over loss, to get angry at times.
“It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger for them.” - George Eliot
I know we all hunger for these things, but it’s as if we’re afraid of it and suppress it to try to be happy. And then we settle for the mundane of our everyday routines. “the people who walk in great darkness have adjusted their eyes.”(Eldredge) What become’s of this hunger? Does it remain underneath? Do we end up subconsciously searching to satisfy it in other areas? Does it just fade away? Has my want and desire left or will it show itself in my emotions again?
”The danger is that the soul should persuade itself that it is not hungry. It can only persuade itself of this by lying.” -Simone Well.
The hunger of the soul… we all have it, or had it at one point. The wanting for something. We are ment to feel it and to want to persue it. Are we all scared to admit that we want something more out of life? that we are not satisfied? Our souls are hungry, that’s a fact of humanity. When we deny this we are lying and worse, we are killing ourselves. Lies are deceptive, they take us away from God, from truth, from beauty, from being the greatest that we can be. They take us away from the drive that gives us life.
I am tired of apathy and refuse to live in denial/deprivation. My soul is hungry for more Suppression is no way to live, we have emotions, passions and desires. We are hungry. “we were made to live in a world of beauty, wonder, intimacy and adventure all of our day” (Eldredge) we were made to feel, its why God gave us a heart, to pump life through our vains.
Desire
Despite waking up waayy too early on a sunday, there was something so pleasant about this morning. It sounded like rain as I begrudgingly rolled over, trying to find a comfortable position on my too soft bed. I couldn’t tell if it was my stomach or the bird outside my window that kept me up. i figured it had to be at least six, the sun was starting to rise, I knew because I could no longer find a dark enough spot burried in my covers. But my phone said it was only a few minutes past 5. I groaned and tried to fall back asleep, it didn’t work. i think my body was just telling me I needed food, but I didn’t want to get up for breakfast at, ugh, really? only 5:30? Well, the sun was comforting and that annoying little bird was singing a sweet song. I laid there for another hour and began to enjoy the sounds coming from outside my window. Finally I remembered the book that I’ve been meaning to read, picked it up and then decided I needed some tunes. I turned on pandora and cracked it open.
Journey of Desire, this is by far one of the best books I have ever read. A friend of mine loaned it to me last summer and I’ve been meaning to re-read it. It’s about the desire within man and how we yearn for life, real life. A life with God, but not only that, I life with purpose and meaning. It’s about how we cannot let ourselves become satisfied in the way things are and go through day to day without experiencing life, love and being the great men and women we were created to be. There is a reason our hearts cry out for something more. God created us for more. He shows us this through our desire. Over the past few years, I have been studying more about Buddhism. It’s a religion I am really quite fond of.
My inquiring could be part of what has gotten me to the place I’m at. The resistance of desires, to abstaining from indulgences. Whether I realized it or not, this way of thinking may have influenced me more than I knew at the time. The meditative principles of Siddhartha and the pure simplicity that I love so much in their lifestyle. It seems to have freedom and peace. There are some aspects of this life I liked, wanted to follow. Mostly because I saw christ in it, it wasn’t in the way they fasted, not even the way they meditated. But the way they turned the other cheak and the way they were not of this world. They were living for something greater than just themselves. Now I realize that they live for nothing at all. I still think they’re noble, they have the greatest of intentions and their traditions/practices/costums are honorable. I hold Buddism along with the beliefs in the highest of respects. But where is the life within Nirvana?? I knew going into the study that I would have to keep Jesus with me, as a a filter so that I did not loose myself within what I did not truly believe. But I don’t think I held on strong enough. I didn’t like the lack of outreach, the love and fellowship that seemed to be missing I liked the self-awareness but not the restriction. Maybe deep down I began to loose my ways as I explored, the thought didn’t really cross my mind.
I like when things get messy! I like it when life is a little gross, and all the little pores on the skin are exposed to show the dirt coated inside. I live in spontanaity. I enjoy the unknown, I hate when things are too organized. I don’t make plans, I just go whatever way the earth pushes me. I believe that in all things there are good and bad, in the deepest and darkest of society, there is still a beauty within if your willing to get messy enough to clean it out. I may be prone to be reckless, and I need to make mistakes to learn. But I like to throw myself in without limitations. Like a giant boulder rolling down a hill, collecting moss as it rolls, maybe crushing a few trees but powerful. I thrive in passion, in a heart that beats with a fire. Yes, I’m somewhat of a transcendentalist and yes I like to be without society, but not without LIFE. I do see beauty within buddhist teachings, I do see good in their self awareness, however, you cannot supress desire and expect to live fully. I love the mountains, not for their isolation or their stillness, but for their destruction and rebuilding in their majesty. Their beauty and the way they move and the way their movement makes me feel. Feelings, in that desire, in emotions I am too small to understand, that have the power to overwhelm me and how easy it is to both find yourself and loose yourself to them, to become one with them. There is freedom and peace here, freedom without restriction and goodness, beauty and truth without distruction that has no purpose. Life apart from death. I don’t want to be the person who sits on top of the most beautiful peaks in the world supressing the desire to yell from pleasure, I want to be the one who feels how the human heart quivers and experience the joy as the smile willingly cracks on my lips.
Journey of Desire, this is by far one of the best books I have ever read. A friend of mine loaned it to me last summer and I’ve been meaning to re-read it. It’s about the desire within man and how we yearn for life, real life. A life with God, but not only that, I life with purpose and meaning. It’s about how we cannot let ourselves become satisfied in the way things are and go through day to day without experiencing life, love and being the great men and women we were created to be. There is a reason our hearts cry out for something more. God created us for more. He shows us this through our desire. Over the past few years, I have been studying more about Buddhism. It’s a religion I am really quite fond of.
My inquiring could be part of what has gotten me to the place I’m at. The resistance of desires, to abstaining from indulgences. Whether I realized it or not, this way of thinking may have influenced me more than I knew at the time. The meditative principles of Siddhartha and the pure simplicity that I love so much in their lifestyle. It seems to have freedom and peace. There are some aspects of this life I liked, wanted to follow. Mostly because I saw christ in it, it wasn’t in the way they fasted, not even the way they meditated. But the way they turned the other cheak and the way they were not of this world. They were living for something greater than just themselves. Now I realize that they live for nothing at all. I still think they’re noble, they have the greatest of intentions and their traditions/practices/costums are honorable. I hold Buddism along with the beliefs in the highest of respects. But where is the life within Nirvana?? I knew going into the study that I would have to keep Jesus with me, as a a filter so that I did not loose myself within what I did not truly believe. But I don’t think I held on strong enough. I didn’t like the lack of outreach, the love and fellowship that seemed to be missing I liked the self-awareness but not the restriction. Maybe deep down I began to loose my ways as I explored, the thought didn’t really cross my mind.
I like when things get messy! I like it when life is a little gross, and all the little pores on the skin are exposed to show the dirt coated inside. I live in spontanaity. I enjoy the unknown, I hate when things are too organized. I don’t make plans, I just go whatever way the earth pushes me. I believe that in all things there are good and bad, in the deepest and darkest of society, there is still a beauty within if your willing to get messy enough to clean it out. I may be prone to be reckless, and I need to make mistakes to learn. But I like to throw myself in without limitations. Like a giant boulder rolling down a hill, collecting moss as it rolls, maybe crushing a few trees but powerful. I thrive in passion, in a heart that beats with a fire. Yes, I’m somewhat of a transcendentalist and yes I like to be without society, but not without LIFE. I do see beauty within buddhist teachings, I do see good in their self awareness, however, you cannot supress desire and expect to live fully. I love the mountains, not for their isolation or their stillness, but for their destruction and rebuilding in their majesty. Their beauty and the way they move and the way their movement makes me feel. Feelings, in that desire, in emotions I am too small to understand, that have the power to overwhelm me and how easy it is to both find yourself and loose yourself to them, to become one with them. There is freedom and peace here, freedom without restriction and goodness, beauty and truth without distruction that has no purpose. Life apart from death. I don’t want to be the person who sits on top of the most beautiful peaks in the world supressing the desire to yell from pleasure, I want to be the one who feels how the human heart quivers and experience the joy as the smile willingly cracks on my lips.
Cereal, and the Insatiable Appetite
I was one hungry hippo today.
fabulous right? yes, yes I think so.
And eat, I did. In fact, I’m munch-in on cereal right now(hope is sticks!!). I think I was eating something every half hour come afternoon. I didn’t eat too much in the morning, my mind was holding me back a bit. I was all excited to munch on the bag of trail mix I brought throughout my boring classes. Of course, as my luck has it, it wasn’t in my bag like I thought it was. I had a good breakfast but I could have eaten more. like I said hungry hippo! My appetite has been insatiable all day. Even though I had a bar in my bag, I didn’t eat it (I did finally eat in apple though). I asked my self why about a hundred times, no good answer. How lame. So when I got home, I asked myself again. Still, there was no reason I couldn’t have the bar and a big lunch. I had all the reasons in the world to eat some serious fuel. From here, the day got a whole lot brighter.
Today, i loosened my grip, I have taken another step in letting go.
I felt freedom.
A freedom that can only come from a healing and cleansing hand. It wasn’t any specific action of my own. And it wasn’t an intervention, he wont come in and pry my fingers apart. but when I open up and allow for God’s hand to come in he gladly cleans out the gunk. Peace is what follows, and in my case, good food :P
Inhale goodness, truth and beauty, exhale all that does not serve you.
fabulous right? yes, yes I think so.
And eat, I did. In fact, I’m munch-in on cereal right now(hope is sticks!!). I think I was eating something every half hour come afternoon. I didn’t eat too much in the morning, my mind was holding me back a bit. I was all excited to munch on the bag of trail mix I brought throughout my boring classes. Of course, as my luck has it, it wasn’t in my bag like I thought it was. I had a good breakfast but I could have eaten more. like I said hungry hippo! My appetite has been insatiable all day. Even though I had a bar in my bag, I didn’t eat it (I did finally eat in apple though). I asked my self why about a hundred times, no good answer. How lame. So when I got home, I asked myself again. Still, there was no reason I couldn’t have the bar and a big lunch. I had all the reasons in the world to eat some serious fuel. From here, the day got a whole lot brighter.
Today, i loosened my grip, I have taken another step in letting go.
I felt freedom.
A freedom that can only come from a healing and cleansing hand. It wasn’t any specific action of my own. And it wasn’t an intervention, he wont come in and pry my fingers apart. but when I open up and allow for God’s hand to come in he gladly cleans out the gunk. Peace is what follows, and in my case, good food :P
Inhale goodness, truth and beauty, exhale all that does not serve you.
Oh the Vanities of Prom Day
Hello Lovelies and goooood morning! :)
Today is prom day!! I’m torn between being excited and a little worried. I’m nervous about having enough energy to be myself and have fun, especially concidering i’m still sick. But it’s my junior prom and I’m not going to this stop me. i’m gonna go, make memories and have a great time, I’m also going to do everything in my power not to let my disordered mind prevent me from enjoying myself. My dress is super cute, I’m getting my hair done (huge stress relief), and have accessories to boot. Tonight will be rad and I’m excited, hah, hope I didn’t just jinx it.
Spring is my absolute favorite time of year, I love it too pieces. I feel like I’m missing out on it, not being able to do the things I usually enjoy the season with is tearin me up, and I guess thinking about all this makes me realize how weak I’ve gotten. I’ve been feeling extremely weak as of late, just a walking mess of bones. I miss my muscle more than anything in the world right now. The positive side, it just makes me want to bulk up more. I’m finding more and more motivation everyday which is fantastic and gives me hope. I think finding solid motivation is key to my recovery, it’s something I was lacking in the cold of the winter months.
I do think I am healing!!!
I’ve been doing really well regarding food these past few days. I’ve been drinking shakes on top of the extra bars and food I’m eating, eating denser meals, and the best part? not counting calories. I’ve just been wanting to get food in me, in all honesty I just want to binge. Funny thing, the more I eat, the hungrier I get. honestly, this does scare me alitte. It just doesn’t feel like thats what should happen. But when I think about it, it makes sense. Maybe in a normal situation it wouldn’t be like this, but this isn’t a normal situation. My body enjoys the nutrients and wants more lol. I think thats right? Is it? idk… eh, anyone? Anyways, I still don’t think it’s enough calories to gain weight, but I’m working up to that, increasing everyday. Yes, its incredibly uncomfortable and I don’t feel well most of the time, uneasy, nauscious and uncomfortable. Seems like things always have to get worse before they get better; if being uncomfortable for a few weeks means I’m getting healthy again, I’m ok with it.
ahh, woops, I’m late for getting my hair done. Time always slips away from me. I’ll finish up later :)
Today is prom day!! I’m torn between being excited and a little worried. I’m nervous about having enough energy to be myself and have fun, especially concidering i’m still sick. But it’s my junior prom and I’m not going to this stop me. i’m gonna go, make memories and have a great time, I’m also going to do everything in my power not to let my disordered mind prevent me from enjoying myself. My dress is super cute, I’m getting my hair done (huge stress relief), and have accessories to boot. Tonight will be rad and I’m excited, hah, hope I didn’t just jinx it.
Spring is my absolute favorite time of year, I love it too pieces. I feel like I’m missing out on it, not being able to do the things I usually enjoy the season with is tearin me up, and I guess thinking about all this makes me realize how weak I’ve gotten. I’ve been feeling extremely weak as of late, just a walking mess of bones. I miss my muscle more than anything in the world right now. The positive side, it just makes me want to bulk up more. I’m finding more and more motivation everyday which is fantastic and gives me hope. I think finding solid motivation is key to my recovery, it’s something I was lacking in the cold of the winter months.
I do think I am healing!!!
I’ve been doing really well regarding food these past few days. I’ve been drinking shakes on top of the extra bars and food I’m eating, eating denser meals, and the best part? not counting calories. I’ve just been wanting to get food in me, in all honesty I just want to binge. Funny thing, the more I eat, the hungrier I get. honestly, this does scare me alitte. It just doesn’t feel like thats what should happen. But when I think about it, it makes sense. Maybe in a normal situation it wouldn’t be like this, but this isn’t a normal situation. My body enjoys the nutrients and wants more lol. I think thats right? Is it? idk… eh, anyone? Anyways, I still don’t think it’s enough calories to gain weight, but I’m working up to that, increasing everyday. Yes, its incredibly uncomfortable and I don’t feel well most of the time, uneasy, nauscious and uncomfortable. Seems like things always have to get worse before they get better; if being uncomfortable for a few weeks means I’m getting healthy again, I’m ok with it.
ahh, woops, I’m late for getting my hair done. Time always slips away from me. I’ll finish up later :)
Forgotten post
I wrote this post a few days back, found it today so I thought I would post it for you to see.
I’m singing in the rain, just singing in the rain, what a glorious feeling, I’m happy again!
hmm… well it’s raining, am I actually singing? no. Unfortunately, I’m feeling under the weather. Sick(sore throat, headache, etc.) but also in a funk. I can’t say that this week has been bad or overwhelming, just busy and a lot little boring. i want to go to yoga, shop for my prom dress, I want to spend some time doing things I care to fill my time with. Even in my dreams, I can’t escape. Once you start dreaming of your part time job every night, you know your working too many hours. lol it’s been school, work, bed, school, work, work, school, work yes I am just complaining. But I am also asking if it’s all worth it. What is a life without pleasure and enjoyment? Happiness is a choice, I believe that wholeheartedly. I also believe that happiness is finding joy in whatever you do. But should one settle for finding some joy in the motions or should we strive to reach our greatest potential? I guess I’m also asking if I am ok with the way things are, and no, no I am not. I need change.
I need a heart I can understand and listen to, I need a body and a mind that work together as one. I need to break the lies and listen to only truth. I need to be able to sit in a chair without pain and without my legs falling asleep. i need to live not day by day but for the life within the day.
I’m singing in the rain, just singing in the rain, what a glorious feeling, I’m happy again!
hmm… well it’s raining, am I actually singing? no. Unfortunately, I’m feeling under the weather. Sick(sore throat, headache, etc.) but also in a funk. I can’t say that this week has been bad or overwhelming, just busy and a lot little boring. i want to go to yoga, shop for my prom dress, I want to spend some time doing things I care to fill my time with. Even in my dreams, I can’t escape. Once you start dreaming of your part time job every night, you know your working too many hours. lol it’s been school, work, bed, school, work, work, school, work yes I am just complaining. But I am also asking if it’s all worth it. What is a life without pleasure and enjoyment? Happiness is a choice, I believe that wholeheartedly. I also believe that happiness is finding joy in whatever you do. But should one settle for finding some joy in the motions or should we strive to reach our greatest potential? I guess I’m also asking if I am ok with the way things are, and no, no I am not. I need change.
I need a heart I can understand and listen to, I need a body and a mind that work together as one. I need to break the lies and listen to only truth. I need to be able to sit in a chair without pain and without my legs falling asleep. i need to live not day by day but for the life within the day.
Just a Quicky
No time for a real post tonight…I do have a lot to share with you all though.
For now, I wanted to post this quote.
I really like it, hope to write more about it soon! :)
"Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].
Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.
With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.
Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.
This has been my life; I found it worth living"
For now, I wanted to post this quote.
I really like it, hope to write more about it soon! :)
"Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].
Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.
With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.
Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.
This has been my life; I found it worth living"
Mmmm this was delicious. I always tell of my breakfast but today I thought I would picture it. I love this combo, eggs, grapes and avocado (Today I added some Zuchinni and spinach) The other half of my breakfast will probably involve some almond butter and some sort of grain…
I woke up late this morning, okay, normal for a day off of school but too late to go to yoga. I’m not going to let this bother me, I had time to make eggs and wake up slowly which I love.
I was thinking the other day…
It’s funny the things in life that define you.
Genetics, Upbringing, circumstances, interests, dislikes. It makes you wonder how much of who we are is our choice and how much is almost programmed.Since I don’t like to feel like a robot, I like to think I choose most of it. One thing I have always underestimated is how much the physical influences personality.
In my heart I know who I am.
I should…I spend waaay to much time with myself :p These days, I’m the only one who can see me, everything about my physicality shows the opposite of who I am. Muscles, that get smaller everyday, weakness. I am not weak. There is an undeniable sickness, I used to pride myself in my health. Healthy lifestyle and a 100% pure record at the doctors.
People knew me for my adventurous spirit, strength, endurance and ability to test the bounds of nature with an unwaveringly optimistic attitude. I never let much get me down.
As if my body decided to rebel, it changed on me. You would no longer associate these qualities with my personality looking at me now. I’m still that girl inside, I just wish the mirror showed it, I wish my bike could have her company, I wish my body could keep up.. Guess I’m too tough for it :P
I’m tired of being a walking contradiction.
Ja-Ja-Ja-Juicay!!
My motto for the day! And I was so right, today was another wonderful day.
It was also a day of spirituality and delicious yoga.
Upon waking from my Saturday morning snooze, I marched my lazy butt downstairs, poured my one cup of coffee and turned on Pandora. Wasn’t sure about breakfast yet so I checked my e-mail and chatted with my dad. We were both on the computers so we started researching zen gardens for the garden we are designing in the backyard. He told me to look up Wabi Sabi, a Japanese view about seeing the beauty in things imperfect, impermanent and incomplete. I thought this was a perfect description of what we are as human, I’m also considering doing a little blog series on this pretty soon, I have a lot of ideas and its all up in the air so as soon as I get a handle on them, you’ll be hearing a lot more about this concept of beauty. Anyways at this point I decided it was about time for some fuel and remembered that I had a tun of fruit just waiting to be eaten. I sliced myself a big bowl of berries, pineapple, grapes, papaya…etc, added some greek yogurt, wheat flakes and flax seed and dug in, o it was delicious but it needed some nuts! Then came the almond butter and a big handful of almonds, delish! Breakfast is definitely my favorite, haha, yeah…
While I was eating, my dad and I talked, really talked. it reached in deep but not painfully, I gained some healing and a peace that I carried with me all day. We started with balance, what I have begun to see as the key to living with peace happiness and that attractive glow we all wish we had. (This you will also hear alot more about in the blogs about Japanese beauty, so I’ll leave that for another day) We discussed about things bigger than our earthy design, the condition of our feeble mortal beings, and the teacher life shows itself to be. It was purely, simply healthy. Better than any therapy session and the best part? For the rest of the day I have eaten freely, heard my bodies hunger, honored it and didn’t listen to what I “should” do. I hope this means my baby steps toward healing were joined with a large step in the right direction. I also hope more than anything that I can hold on to this relaxed attituce towards eating. (I can’t deal with the stress any longer)
By this time I had missed the yoga class I’ve been wanting to attend…again. one of my favorite instructors started teaching a yoga for meditation class saturday mornings and for the past two months it just hasn’t worked out. Good news did arrive via text message, someone had greater plans for me today, FREE yoga at Old Town yoga! My dearest friend and I took full advantage. It was incredible. I can’t rememeber the last time I felt like this much of a noodle after class. I was riding high all day!!! Man, was I happy. It was just juicy!!! I probably said that word twenty times today haha but today WAS juicy! Juicy and delicious! i learned ALOT about allignment but the best part was that I totally connected with the movements, my breath and meditation. Another journey on a spiritual path. And man im going to feel it tomorrow! So worth it though!!
Today was a day for growth, a day for thought, a day without tears and with smiles, a day with laughter, with work and relaxation, both pain and pleasure. Today had beauty, it had sunshine (and clouds :() Today had balance. It was as juicy as the sweet pineapple it began with.
Today I learned a little more about letting go.
It was also a day of spirituality and delicious yoga.
Upon waking from my Saturday morning snooze, I marched my lazy butt downstairs, poured my one cup of coffee and turned on Pandora. Wasn’t sure about breakfast yet so I checked my e-mail and chatted with my dad. We were both on the computers so we started researching zen gardens for the garden we are designing in the backyard. He told me to look up Wabi Sabi, a Japanese view about seeing the beauty in things imperfect, impermanent and incomplete. I thought this was a perfect description of what we are as human, I’m also considering doing a little blog series on this pretty soon, I have a lot of ideas and its all up in the air so as soon as I get a handle on them, you’ll be hearing a lot more about this concept of beauty. Anyways at this point I decided it was about time for some fuel and remembered that I had a tun of fruit just waiting to be eaten. I sliced myself a big bowl of berries, pineapple, grapes, papaya…etc, added some greek yogurt, wheat flakes and flax seed and dug in, o it was delicious but it needed some nuts! Then came the almond butter and a big handful of almonds, delish! Breakfast is definitely my favorite, haha, yeah…
While I was eating, my dad and I talked, really talked. it reached in deep but not painfully, I gained some healing and a peace that I carried with me all day. We started with balance, what I have begun to see as the key to living with peace happiness and that attractive glow we all wish we had. (This you will also hear alot more about in the blogs about Japanese beauty, so I’ll leave that for another day) We discussed about things bigger than our earthy design, the condition of our feeble mortal beings, and the teacher life shows itself to be. It was purely, simply healthy. Better than any therapy session and the best part? For the rest of the day I have eaten freely, heard my bodies hunger, honored it and didn’t listen to what I “should” do. I hope this means my baby steps toward healing were joined with a large step in the right direction. I also hope more than anything that I can hold on to this relaxed attituce towards eating. (I can’t deal with the stress any longer)
By this time I had missed the yoga class I’ve been wanting to attend…again. one of my favorite instructors started teaching a yoga for meditation class saturday mornings and for the past two months it just hasn’t worked out. Good news did arrive via text message, someone had greater plans for me today, FREE yoga at Old Town yoga! My dearest friend and I took full advantage. It was incredible. I can’t rememeber the last time I felt like this much of a noodle after class. I was riding high all day!!! Man, was I happy. It was just juicy!!! I probably said that word twenty times today haha but today WAS juicy! Juicy and delicious! i learned ALOT about allignment but the best part was that I totally connected with the movements, my breath and meditation. Another journey on a spiritual path. And man im going to feel it tomorrow! So worth it though!!
Today was a day for growth, a day for thought, a day without tears and with smiles, a day with laughter, with work and relaxation, both pain and pleasure. Today had beauty, it had sunshine (and clouds :() Today had balance. It was as juicy as the sweet pineapple it began with.
Today I learned a little more about letting go.
A little taste of joy
Today was a wonderfully beautiful sunny day in the middle of a very stormy week.
I woke up with an extra half hour to get ready, such a great feeling! I wasn’t going to take a shower but after the pretty dismal nights sleep, I decided one was necessary. Smelling fresh and fabulous, I dressed in a quick old standby and took the blow dryer to the pathetic mess I call hair all will jammin to my fabulous pandora. My Jack Johnson station has been ROcKin lately!! After this, I still had time for what has become a new favorite breakfast of mine, cottage cheese on toast w/ some cinnamon :) delish!!
just after that, we headed out to CSU for a college shadow. My good friend and I had a good time on campus. It’s been alittle over four weeks without coffee, but I decided to have a cup this morning while we were in the dinning hall. It sure was good, but I only drank half the cup…. now that I think of it, this could have something to do with my good mood. But mostly, I think it was the absolutely gorgeous weather we had!! After CSU, I headed to class for about two hours, then cashed a fairly juicy paycheck, aand could not get over how wonderful the sun felt! I caught up with some friends today. I’ve been neglecting the whole social area of my life lately. I’m not sure if its because I lack the energy, if I’m just to apathetic these days, or if I just don’t want anyone to see me…
The rest of this week has been, well stormy. And I’m not talking wheather. I’ve been feeling depressed. The kind of depressed where you just want to dissapear into a hole. Getting out of bed has been so hard, I have no interest in anything and have had a complete lack of appetite (definitely the opposite of what I need to get healthy) I just haven’t been myself.
But today was so much better!! Still no appetite, yeah I still cried. I just can’t help it when the slightest pump into the counter reminds me that I have no protection around my poor bones. Yet, today these tears felt healthy. They came from talking about my issues with friends. I finally got to talk to one of my best girlfriends whose been worried about me(but not saying anything). They were a little release of some of the toxins I’ve been carrying around. Sounds like its time for me to do a little yoga.
Not a whole lot of yoga has been done this week (mostly because my nights have been spent cleaning and workin the coffee shop) :( soo sad. Even sadder is the lack of excersise, it’s killing me. I’m sick of dealing with this crap, I just want to stop fighting and be able to work out, move, and grow! i blame the lack of endorphines as the source of my depression. Oh my my my.
It was indeed a beautiful day.
Now I’m off to make a gooey almond butter sandwich and work on my drawing project.
Hope I’m not the only one whose friday was warm and sunny. Tomorrow will be too, I can feel it :D
I woke up with an extra half hour to get ready, such a great feeling! I wasn’t going to take a shower but after the pretty dismal nights sleep, I decided one was necessary. Smelling fresh and fabulous, I dressed in a quick old standby and took the blow dryer to the pathetic mess I call hair all will jammin to my fabulous pandora. My Jack Johnson station has been ROcKin lately!! After this, I still had time for what has become a new favorite breakfast of mine, cottage cheese on toast w/ some cinnamon :) delish!!
just after that, we headed out to CSU for a college shadow. My good friend and I had a good time on campus. It’s been alittle over four weeks without coffee, but I decided to have a cup this morning while we were in the dinning hall. It sure was good, but I only drank half the cup…. now that I think of it, this could have something to do with my good mood. But mostly, I think it was the absolutely gorgeous weather we had!! After CSU, I headed to class for about two hours, then cashed a fairly juicy paycheck, aand could not get over how wonderful the sun felt! I caught up with some friends today. I’ve been neglecting the whole social area of my life lately. I’m not sure if its because I lack the energy, if I’m just to apathetic these days, or if I just don’t want anyone to see me…
The rest of this week has been, well stormy. And I’m not talking wheather. I’ve been feeling depressed. The kind of depressed where you just want to dissapear into a hole. Getting out of bed has been so hard, I have no interest in anything and have had a complete lack of appetite (definitely the opposite of what I need to get healthy) I just haven’t been myself.
But today was so much better!! Still no appetite, yeah I still cried. I just can’t help it when the slightest pump into the counter reminds me that I have no protection around my poor bones. Yet, today these tears felt healthy. They came from talking about my issues with friends. I finally got to talk to one of my best girlfriends whose been worried about me(but not saying anything). They were a little release of some of the toxins I’ve been carrying around. Sounds like its time for me to do a little yoga.
Not a whole lot of yoga has been done this week (mostly because my nights have been spent cleaning and workin the coffee shop) :( soo sad. Even sadder is the lack of excersise, it’s killing me. I’m sick of dealing with this crap, I just want to stop fighting and be able to work out, move, and grow! i blame the lack of endorphines as the source of my depression. Oh my my my.
It was indeed a beautiful day.
Now I’m off to make a gooey almond butter sandwich and work on my drawing project.
Hope I’m not the only one whose friday was warm and sunny. Tomorrow will be too, I can feel it :D
Confusion after Dinner
I have a drawing to finish for class tomorrow so I’m keeping this post short..
I’m a little frustrated, sad, dissapointed, upset, confused right now. Why is it that we don’t take the time to get pleasure from our food. Real pleasure. I’m not talking about the few seconds of “satisfaction” when you indulge in a guilty pleasure behind the wheel of your car. I’m talking about the whole experience, the atmosphere, the smells, the presentation, the beauty in picking out and preparing fresh, whole foods and how it tastes to the pallet. Eating is a sensual experience and more often than not, I feel like I miss out on this. We take the time when company comes, we pull out the multitude of those tried and true family favorites to try and please everyone, and a few of those no one can be sure how they made it into the mix in the first place… there’s plenty of food. Usually more focus is on the conversation, ha I usually leave having noo idea what I was putting in my mouth most of the night.
While this isn’t necessarily bad social gatherings are awesome and should be celebrated to the extreme!! It’s just that recently, the pleasure in food is hard to find. I hate forcing myself to eat and not really enjoying it. Especially around others, I feel like I have to eat to please them. I’m going to work on this. Life is too short to do anything without pleasure. Food is delish and I want to enjoy every bit of it :)
I’m a little frustrated, sad, dissapointed, upset, confused right now. Why is it that we don’t take the time to get pleasure from our food. Real pleasure. I’m not talking about the few seconds of “satisfaction” when you indulge in a guilty pleasure behind the wheel of your car. I’m talking about the whole experience, the atmosphere, the smells, the presentation, the beauty in picking out and preparing fresh, whole foods and how it tastes to the pallet. Eating is a sensual experience and more often than not, I feel like I miss out on this. We take the time when company comes, we pull out the multitude of those tried and true family favorites to try and please everyone, and a few of those no one can be sure how they made it into the mix in the first place… there’s plenty of food. Usually more focus is on the conversation, ha I usually leave having noo idea what I was putting in my mouth most of the night.
While this isn’t necessarily bad social gatherings are awesome and should be celebrated to the extreme!! It’s just that recently, the pleasure in food is hard to find. I hate forcing myself to eat and not really enjoying it. Especially around others, I feel like I have to eat to please them. I’m going to work on this. Life is too short to do anything without pleasure. Food is delish and I want to enjoy every bit of it :)
Rainy Days and Snow Days
In my neighborhood, there’s a lake. It’s a beautiful lake. It’s a dirty lake. full of geese and their treasures, mud and bugs, its natural and so so beautiful. It’s one of my favorite places to take pictures not only because of the image on the camera but because of the memories it holds. Almost all of which have happened in the spring time. Today as I passed it on my way home from my two hour school day (CSAP week, yeah baby) I was reminded of a sixth grader who used to ride around for hours on her roller blades listening to tunes and enjoying the fresh air and the huge trees much older than she. This was me whenever it rained, everyone used to say snuggle up and read a book but I would laugh and strap on my blades, rain was a sign that it was time to head outdoors.
Today looked just like one of those rainy days, at least for an hour. It was one of those we often have in crazy Colorado when the sun shines, rain falls and we go to bed with the news of a Snow Day tomorrow!! that’s right, I’m so excited. Not sure what I will do but I’m looking forward to a lazy morning and most likely a nice warm bowl of oatmeal…
Anyways, it’s gorgeous outside on the deck right now, almost surreal after the wonderful sun we have had the past week. One of the strangest things about nature is that you can always rely on it to be both sturdy, reliable and completely surprising. It’s full of opposites. Just like the lake with its bird poo covered graceful waters. nature with its opposites is always full of balance.
I know without a doubt that one of the most worthwhile goals a human can have is to strive for balance. Balance between all things, physical, spiritual and emotional. We are apart of nature, yet too often we forget this and think nature is apart of us. Sometimes you just need to set aside the ego and realize that you’re apart of something much bigger and much more beautiful than yourself. <3
Today looked just like one of those rainy days, at least for an hour. It was one of those we often have in crazy Colorado when the sun shines, rain falls and we go to bed with the news of a Snow Day tomorrow!! that’s right, I’m so excited. Not sure what I will do but I’m looking forward to a lazy morning and most likely a nice warm bowl of oatmeal…
Anyways, it’s gorgeous outside on the deck right now, almost surreal after the wonderful sun we have had the past week. One of the strangest things about nature is that you can always rely on it to be both sturdy, reliable and completely surprising. It’s full of opposites. Just like the lake with its bird poo covered graceful waters. nature with its opposites is always full of balance.
I know without a doubt that one of the most worthwhile goals a human can have is to strive for balance. Balance between all things, physical, spiritual and emotional. We are apart of nature, yet too often we forget this and think nature is apart of us. Sometimes you just need to set aside the ego and realize that you’re apart of something much bigger and much more beautiful than yourself. <3
Running Shoes and Twists
Running Shoes and Twists
After waking up to the most adorable little mouse running across my floor, into my closet, then into the safety of my shoes… AH! I’ve decided to spend the past few nights downstairs in the guest bedroom. I don’t know what it is about that room, but I always sleep sooo well, and last night was no different. I slept hard, which is odd because I should have been too excited for the snowboarding trip we were supposed to leave for on that morning! 3 days in the most beautiful place, in the most beautiful house in Leadville, Snowboarding all day then hot chocolate in my aunt and uncle’s hot tub. :) And the scenery, I seriously cannot express in words the feeling that comes when you wake up in the upstairs loft to the sun rising over the highest mountains of the Rockies and glistening over the treetops. I see it all the time but it never gets old. hmmm, its amazing!! haha I’m getting alittle carried away. Well, ANyWays..I hadn’t even packed so I set my alarm extra early. Of course, I slept through it and woke up to my mother coming to give me the bad news. I was so confused when I saw that the clock said 9:30 already, then angry that she didn’t get me up earlier. I had things to do! But circumstances and road conditions had postponed the drive. Good old Colorado. Sometimes life has other plans for you.
So instead, we did alittle shopping. I got a new pair of Running SHoes!! :) They’re coming in the mail and I can’t wait! Trying them on felt incredible, and running has never felt better than the block i did to test them out. Man, I miss it. Life is going to be sooo rad once I can get out there and run again. But wow have I lost strength. It’s like little bits of myself are disappearing everyday. I’ve gotta kick up the food, my muscles need FUEL, I just feel so sick forcing myself to eat these days. Oh well, it’ll all be worth it right? Right. Those shoes were just a little reminder of all the things that this world offers.
I hit the yoga mat this evening and it was all about twists. The whole hour we were working on balancing and releasing toxins. Just perfect. As if life was nothing more than a murky pond, we hold on to so much that weighs us down and prevents pure and beautiful living. It often gets so clouded up you can’t see the beauty in it but if you wipe away the moss the sun’s light is allowed to reflect off the surface. It felt wonderful to cleans myself of some of the dirt holding me back, you don’t even realize your holding onto the gunk until it’s gone. Another thing I love about the spring time, it’s a season of cleansing and new life. Pure Beauty. :)
After waking up to the most adorable little mouse running across my floor, into my closet, then into the safety of my shoes… AH! I’ve decided to spend the past few nights downstairs in the guest bedroom. I don’t know what it is about that room, but I always sleep sooo well, and last night was no different. I slept hard, which is odd because I should have been too excited for the snowboarding trip we were supposed to leave for on that morning! 3 days in the most beautiful place, in the most beautiful house in Leadville, Snowboarding all day then hot chocolate in my aunt and uncle’s hot tub. :) And the scenery, I seriously cannot express in words the feeling that comes when you wake up in the upstairs loft to the sun rising over the highest mountains of the Rockies and glistening over the treetops. I see it all the time but it never gets old. hmmm, its amazing!! haha I’m getting alittle carried away. Well, ANyWays..I hadn’t even packed so I set my alarm extra early. Of course, I slept through it and woke up to my mother coming to give me the bad news. I was so confused when I saw that the clock said 9:30 already, then angry that she didn’t get me up earlier. I had things to do! But circumstances and road conditions had postponed the drive. Good old Colorado. Sometimes life has other plans for you.
So instead, we did alittle shopping. I got a new pair of Running SHoes!! :) They’re coming in the mail and I can’t wait! Trying them on felt incredible, and running has never felt better than the block i did to test them out. Man, I miss it. Life is going to be sooo rad once I can get out there and run again. But wow have I lost strength. It’s like little bits of myself are disappearing everyday. I’ve gotta kick up the food, my muscles need FUEL, I just feel so sick forcing myself to eat these days. Oh well, it’ll all be worth it right? Right. Those shoes were just a little reminder of all the things that this world offers.
I hit the yoga mat this evening and it was all about twists. The whole hour we were working on balancing and releasing toxins. Just perfect. As if life was nothing more than a murky pond, we hold on to so much that weighs us down and prevents pure and beautiful living. It often gets so clouded up you can’t see the beauty in it but if you wipe away the moss the sun’s light is allowed to reflect off the surface. It felt wonderful to cleans myself of some of the dirt holding me back, you don’t even realize your holding onto the gunk until it’s gone. Another thing I love about the spring time, it’s a season of cleansing and new life. Pure Beauty. :)
My First Official Post, all about SUNSHINE!
The clock says 9:20, but it feels like 8:20, you can thank daylight savings for that one… at least the sun shines later. And shine it certainly did today, for what feels like the first time in ages, and I absolutely LOVED it! This morning as I was sitting by the window eating my delicious lunch of breakfast crepes and attempting to zip through the January pages of my new devotional book, I realized that this week represents a turn in the way things have been going.
January 5th, the title: Bringing Sunshine Back, automatically my heart lit up alittle brighter. As I eagerly started reading, I realized how fitting the description of a rainy day between winter and spring was. (being as it’s March and indeed one of those crazy colorado days of sunshine inbetween snowstorms) But as the story reads on, the girl has reached her limits and when she finally breaks down, her little sister goes to her and says that it will be alright and the sun will shine tomrrow. How fitting! I am in the middle of my own storm but finally, the sun is shining. It was a little message that winter is coming to an end, my time in this skeltal half body is also going to come to an end. Life’s calling and I need to get back out there, ride my bike and get my muscle back. But alas, life is what you make it. For the sun to stay out, I need to make the effort. Yes, something is holding me back. What? I don’t know. We’re getting closer to finding it out. Hopefully this blog will help clear away a few of the clouds hiding the answers, and reveal to the world that being thin is sooo overrated.
even when the sky is covered in clouds, the sun hasn’t actually gone anywhere you just have to know where to look to see it. Have faith. <3
January 5th, the title: Bringing Sunshine Back, automatically my heart lit up alittle brighter. As I eagerly started reading, I realized how fitting the description of a rainy day between winter and spring was. (being as it’s March and indeed one of those crazy colorado days of sunshine inbetween snowstorms) But as the story reads on, the girl has reached her limits and when she finally breaks down, her little sister goes to her and says that it will be alright and the sun will shine tomrrow. How fitting! I am in the middle of my own storm but finally, the sun is shining. It was a little message that winter is coming to an end, my time in this skeltal half body is also going to come to an end. Life’s calling and I need to get back out there, ride my bike and get my muscle back. But alas, life is what you make it. For the sun to stay out, I need to make the effort. Yes, something is holding me back. What? I don’t know. We’re getting closer to finding it out. Hopefully this blog will help clear away a few of the clouds hiding the answers, and reveal to the world that being thin is sooo overrated.
even when the sky is covered in clouds, the sun hasn’t actually gone anywhere you just have to know where to look to see it. Have faith. <3
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