Oh the Vanities of Prom Day

Hello Lovelies and goooood morning! :)

Today is prom day!! I’m torn between being excited and a little worried. I’m nervous about having enough energy to be myself and have fun, especially concidering i’m still sick. But it’s my junior prom and I’m not going to this stop me. i’m gonna go, make memories and have a great time, I’m also going to do everything in my power not to let my disordered mind prevent me from enjoying myself. My dress is super cute, I’m getting my hair done (huge stress relief), and have accessories to boot. Tonight will be rad and I’m excited, hah, hope I didn’t just jinx it.

Spring is my absolute favorite time of year, I love it too pieces. I feel like I’m missing out on it, not being able to do the things I usually enjoy the season with is tearin me up, and I guess thinking about all this makes me realize how weak I’ve gotten. I’ve been feeling extremely weak as of late, just a walking mess of bones. I miss my muscle more than anything in the world right now. The positive side, it just makes me want to bulk up more. I’m finding more and more motivation everyday which is fantastic and gives me hope. I think finding solid motivation is key to my recovery, it’s something I was lacking in the cold of the winter months.

I do think I am healing!!!

I’ve been doing really well regarding food these past few days. I’ve been drinking shakes on top of the extra bars and food I’m eating, eating denser meals, and the best part? not counting calories. I’ve just been wanting to get food in me, in all honesty I just want to binge. Funny thing, the more I eat, the hungrier I get. honestly, this does scare me alitte. It just doesn’t feel like thats what should happen. But when I think about it, it makes sense. Maybe in a normal situation it wouldn’t be like this, but this isn’t a normal situation. My body enjoys the nutrients and wants more lol. I think thats right? Is it? idk… eh, anyone? Anyways, I still don’t think it’s enough calories to gain weight, but I’m working up to that, increasing everyday. Yes, its incredibly uncomfortable and I don’t feel well most of the time, uneasy, nauscious and uncomfortable. Seems like things always have to get worse before they get better; if being uncomfortable for a few weeks means I’m getting healthy again, I’m ok with it.

ahh, woops, I’m late for getting my hair done. Time always slips away from me. I’ll finish up later :)